to an unknown god

I wrote this on January 30th, 2009



To those that may be offended; I am sorry. But its how I feel. Whatever sort of "ism" that I just read in the 800 some pages of my theology textbook that says that God must be unknowable... I don't believe it, but I feel like it. 


In the movie Luther, Johann von Staupitz tells Luther that "we preach best what we need to hear most." Does that mean that we have a hard time believing what we are preaching? Regardless, tonight I preach to myself........


For a long time one of my favorite songs is Yearn by Shane & Shane (which is am listening to as I write). I love every lyric:


Holy design... this place in time. That I might seek and find my God. Lord I want to yearn for you. I want to burn with passion over you and only you. Lord I want to yearn for you. I want to burn with passion over you and only you. Lord I want to yearn. Your joy is mine. Yet, why am I fine? With all of my singing and bringing grain in light of Him. Lord I want to yearn for you. I want to burn with passion over you and only you. Lord I want to yearn for you. I want to burn with passion over you and only you. Oh you give life and breathe. In You we live and move. That's why I sing... Lord I want to yearn for you. I want to burn with passion over you and only you. Lord I want to yearn for you. I want to burn with passion over you and only you.


I sang it because I meant it. I want to yearn. I want to burn with passion. And, yet, it always seems to stop there for me... my favorite part is the bridge but I never feel it. I didn't feel like He gave me life and breathe. I didn't feel like He makes me life and move. That wasn't why I sang. I felt like He didn't uphold His end of the bargain. I felt like Jesus didn't really tell the truth that "blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.


Don't burn me at the stake until you read the rest :)


So I looked up the Scripture passage that those words come from (Acts 17:25-28). It says this:
"24"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. 25And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. 26From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'


Its verse 27 that is smashing me to bits tonight. My heart and emotions precisely. And its the word "perhaps" that is precisely doing the smashing. God did all that (creation & redemption) not because He needs me but He did it so I would seek Him. But not just seek Him. "And perhaps reach out for Him and find Him".


I think that's it. I have been seeking. And those who seek will find. But I now see the thing in between seeking and finding. Reaching out to Him.


Parenthetically, these last few days have been such a struggle for me. Working to break the bad habit of having a bad attitude has been far more spiritually and emotionally exhausting that I would ever have expected. Ugh, its like a little pocket of poison that sits inside me that just infects everything.


I confess. I have been bitter. I have been negative. I have let myself and God down. I have let Staci down. But I want to yearn... and not just yearn, but burn. I have just been bringing grain when its the love of my heart that He has asked for. Not Bible studies or Christian music. Not seminary. But my heart.


I am finding it is much harder to truly give my heart away than anything. For the first time in my life I am being vulnerable. I am giving my heart away to those who have earned it. I am giving the love of my heart away to God. Its His. And in so doing, I have found it easier to give my heart to Staci as well.


Its so scary. I feel lost and found at the same time. Like I can see but what I am seeing is misleading. And what I hear isn't really the truth.


But I reach out. Because thats what my King asks me to do. Seek Him and reach out... then find Him. But the verse says "though He is not far from each of us."


Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...


So I guess my heart still beats... even as I am feeling it being wrenched from my body and given to the great Healer. But I will trust is His unfailing love. Oh You give life and breathe...