Monday, September 26, 2011

Its not supposed to go like that

I never thought I would say this. It has been 13.5 years since J died. I used to wonder if there would ever come a time where I would forget him. Or, more likely, that I would just not think about him for a couple weeks or months.

It still happens all the time. Every time someone loses a loved one. When someone mentions suicide. Sometimes for no reason at all. I can’t go more than a couple days without him coming to mind.

But every time I remember his choice, I can’t help but think about what he would be doing if he were still alive.

Where would he live?
What would he be like?
What would his career be?
Would he be married? Kids?

Would any of it look like my life?

The story shouldn’t have happened that way. But he is gone. Still.

I guess he is isn’t just some memory that will fade. It must be that he is a part of who I am. I am not sure how I feel about that. It is what it is.

I think I just wonder what to do with those “what could it have been” thoughts. Mourn? Grieve the loss? That can’t last forever right?

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