So occasionally I get into this mental groove where I dream alot, which occur both during the day and/or night. I recently had one of these day dreams that I wanted to write down. Now to set the stage for this dream, I want to adust your expectations just a bit before we continue... I do not dream stories and I do not dream long. My dreams consist of very short-lived bursts of some strange conglomeration of thought and emotion that wake me up at night or make me half-asleep during the day. So there ya go... I am a crazy.
One other disclaimer: This discription of my dreams will be completely inadequate... (dreams seem to have a language of their own... its like trying to use words to describe a taste)
Oh yeah... a second disclaimer: This dream is actually a two-part dream of which I will tell of the second part first... (The first part was a day good dream and the second is a night bad dream)
And now to set the stage........ So I had the privilage of having a long drive on Monday which are one of my favorite things in the world. For some reason or another, I was pondering about how I might respond if I were told that I only had a few months to live due to some terminal illness. I want to marry my love. I want to have a family. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. But that is not the focus of this dream. By dream actually began because I thought to myself, "Gee, if it wasn't for the hopes to have a wife and children someday, I really wouldn't mind receiving such news from the doctor." The reason is this: I have a hard time holding high expectations for this world in which we live. And with that thought I was launched into a world that I hope to be a part of...
I began to (day)dream of a world where things are right. A world that was filled with good things. I dreamed of taking a walk through this world. As I walked through this world, this strange feeling came over me. Its the feeling that I always got when I could get into my sun-warmed car after church on a brisk autumn day. Its the feeling that overwhelms any stubborn heart as they gaze upon a warm sunrise or a sunset. Its the feeling that follows after recognizing my favorite smell. Its the feeling that comes when watching something heroic. Or miraculous. Or truly amazing. Perhaps its even the feeling that comes when watching the broad muscles ripple in the shoulder of a galloping black stallion. And yet, perhaps, it may even be the feeling after falling off your bike and skinning your knee. This feeling is so hard describe because it doesn't just involve one thought or emotion.
So I continued to walk through this land where love was so real it laid on the ground like dew on the grass. I could pick it up and it would sit in my palms for a minute and then cascade off my hand, down my wrist and back where it belonged on the ground. I could smell mercy, compassion and relief blowing in the wind. And not just a faint smell, but a smell so bold that it was unmistakable, yet soft and subtle like the smell of my childhood home. The air was loaded with the smell of mercy and the humidity carried this love. But it wasn't my senses that made me want to stay.
The most amazing part of this place was something that saturated my whole being. It was more confident and lasting than a thought, more stable than a feeling and more powerful than simply an act of will. It was this knowledge and sensation and feeling and purpose that was more welcoming than a cup of hot chocolate and a fuzzy blanket. It was raw. Real. Delicious. Fulfilling. I ached for more. And there was plenty to satisfy. Warm. Right. Bold. Gentle. Heroic. I belonged. I had this feeling that I knew what was around the corners of life.
So I spend the last few days wishing I could have that. Wishing that were really true. But no, it was just a silly dream of mine. Probably from reading The Great Divorce too many times. It made me angry and frustrated and unsatisfied and wanting to turn the corner.
Now onto my second dream.
I hope up in the wee hours of the morning last night in absolute terror. I felt so alone, so hopeless, so vulnerable. Most of all though, I felt so terrible because I had this feeling gnawing at my deepest heart that anything that glorious, beautiful or right can't be out there. It was like the feeling that would overwhelm an astronaut if he or she would ever begin drifting away from the space shuttle in outer space with no possiblity of rescue. Irrecoverable. Lost. Dark. Empty. Cold. A perpetual gag. Just drifting and hoping for death to come quickly. Far worse than a nightmare. Worse because I never felt alone. I felt surrounded by something that wanted me that way. Like it was happy I felt that way. Taunting. Biting. Like its prey. But mostly just plain hopeless. I just prayed myself back to sleep...
But isn't that what I claim to believe? Overwhelming evil that wants nothing else than for me to be lost, overcome, destroyed, dead and tortured, yet a far sweeter, stronger, generous and benevolent paradise that is far more real than any dream I could imagine.
But, oh, to be free! Thy will be done... on earth as it is in heaven.
This picture I shot summarizes this. I remain in the shadows eagerly waiting for the sunlight to come as I persevere down the muddy, cold, wet path. Oh, there it is. It will happen. It must happen. HE promised it will. Yet its around the corner... and I'm not there yet.
But I guess there is a reason they call those sneaking doubts sneaky... they have certainly earned their sneaky badge. Yuck.
Honestly, I don't know what to do with this dream. Probably nothing. But I thought I would share it. I do admit I want it back. Feel free to comment...
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