Its been ten months. I am beginning to find freedom and healing. I feel free. There is less bitterness. I can see certain people’s names and not growl. I can see certain people and not reach for a brick. I don’t think I will ever forget the damage done to myself and others but I think I am starting to see more than just the damage. Maybe that’s it.
To be quite honest, it took a while to realize that there even were hurts. Annoyances lead to resentment and resentment leads to hate and hate destroys the self. Once a few very dear friends helped me to realize that they were legitimate hurts, I was sent into a tailspin!
Hurt is strange. I found myself fixated on it. I just HAD to figure it out. I thought if I could understand it and debrief about it enough, then I would be better. Picking at a scab does no better for healing than does picking at emotional scabs in order to “understand” them.
Don’t get me wrong… a lot of hurts can be deep and complicated and need time to process a bit. This was not the case for me. I knew exactly who… I mean what… had hurt me so much. (I totally meant who)
So I thought. I talked. I used healthy coping skills. I used unhealthy coping skills. I just HAD to figure it out.
And then it just clicked. Half of my problem is that I was so intent on healing myself that I had come to a point where I could only see myself. I convinced myself that I was the one with the answers and all I had to do was discover the right question to ask in order to find the perfect answer.
I had spent so much time trying to guide the hurt towards the Healer that I forgot that sometimes the hurt can guide me towards the Healer.
Time does not heal all things. In fact, time doesn’t heal anything at all. But as a good friend pointed out to me, it takes time for us to allow ourselves to be healed. (Thanks A)
Busted. That is my temptation.
It was then, chronologically, that I recalled to mind one of my favorite quotes ever…..
“…the way to happiness is self-forgetful love and the way to unhappiness is self-regard, self-worry, and the search for personal happiness. Our happiness comes to us only when we do not seek for it. It comes to us when we seek others’ happiness.” –Peter Kreeft
I am not sure if I have been healed. But it doesn’t matter to me anymore. (That might be a good sign.) I don’t need to growl or throw bricks. I don’t need to seek justice. I don’t need to have it my way.
More than the healing of my feelings, attitude or worldview, I want others to work out their fears and their faith. I want others to find Christ. I will trust Christ enough to let Him convict, judge, prod, press, excite and, ultimately, redeem that which has been lost. His lost.
Out of God’s grace for me, I will offer the grace of God to others. The truth is none of us have earned our Father’s love anyway.
“The virtue of courage is a prerequisite for the practice of all other virtues otherwise one is virtuous only when virtue has no cost.” –C.S. Lewis
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