When I look at you, all I can think is that no child ever dreamed of growing up into such brokenness.
Boys dream of an adventure to face, battles to conquer and a beauty to win. Girls dream of an adventure to go on with the hero that fought for the beauty that she is becoming. We love fairy tales because they remind us of the desires of our hearts back when we were children.
But I see you. I see the ways your eyes dart around in your head like a frightened animal. I see the ways you try to manipulate your surroundings as you try to simulate safety. I see the way you lash out when you feel the most vulnerable. I see the way you run from the things that can help you the most. I see the way you hurt yourself to make yourself feel better. I see the way you become the things you hate the most. I see the way you feel you desperately need things but they never actually satisfy.
And every time I see you, I think about how nobody wanted this for you.
And, if I am honest, I am often tempted to feel like we are polar opposites.
It is kind of interesting. When things get the craziest for me… I think I search for life. When things get the craziest for you… you search for death. But maybe interesting isn’t the right word.
But as I watch you, I realize that every awful thing inside of me still waits and lurks to sneak out of any weak point. I know I have a shield that I use to keep things out, but I also know I have a shield I use to keep things in. And as this proneness to be vane, prideful, lustful and angry manifest into my own selfish intentions and death-dealing thoughts, I remember that we are the same. We, simply, are human.
People overlook you, judge you and tell you to get your crap together because you are so screwed up.
People pat me on the back and say I am honorable for making a difference.
See neither of us ever dreamed we would become what we are today. But maybe you didn’t even get the chance to dream of something better. But there you are, wild-eyed and listening to people who don’t give a crap about you.
For now, our lives share the same path. For however long that will last. And as my chest starts to feel heavy, my heart rate quickens and I can’t walk away from you without hesitating, I realize something.
Beneath all the imperfect and self-centered efforts that I can muster up, there lies the deepest of loves for you. I can’t walk away from you without being prompted to pray. I can only trust that that love comes from the greatest Lover of all time.
The only difference is that once upon a time, God fixed me. More importantly, He continues to save me, heal me and redeem me. Continually and continually.
May the life, warmth and love begun in me spread to you.